Part XXVIII My favorite classroom jokes (Groaners & Moaners)

Posted byLarry Baumer

I am repeating a post from a couple years ago as filler while I prepare a more serious essay on climate change. Hope you enjoy.

  1. To warm up, here are few biology/chemistry “play on words” groaners.  In first year biology we usually learn three types of chemical bonds, ionic, covalent, and hydrogen.  (In AP biology we also learn disulfide bonds too).  During an ensuing review, after correctly identifying the above three bonds I ask the class for a fourth one for which, of course, no one had a clue.  Then I say “you mean you never heard of James Bond”!
  2. In that same vein, to demonstrate diffusion I would usually place a beaker of water on an overhead projector and add a few drops of some colored substance (i.e. food coloring, KMnO4, methylene blue, etc.) and we would all watch the substance spread throughout the water, The heat from the projector bulb would cause some movement but to enhance the process I would ask how we could speed it up.  Invariably someone would suggest stirring it.  As I raise the beaker I would say “shaken, not stirred.  Yes, I like James Bond too”.  (I do own every JB movie)  Want to know my favorite one?  “For Your Eyes Only” I especially love the fantastic skiing scenes.

Genetics Jokes

Answers at end of essay.What do you get when you cross a mink with an octopus?

3. What do you get when you cross a mink with a giraffe?

4.. While studying sex linked traits (now often called X-linked since the gene for the condition is on the X chromosome) we would eventually talk about hemophilia A or B in which mothers pass the condition to their sons.  The mother is, therefore, called a carrier (heterozygous) with one dominant gene and one recessive gene. Only under rare conditions can a daughter have the condition.  I’ll let the reader try to figure out the necessary scenario for that to occur. Hint; using a Punnett square let XH XH represent the homozygous condition (purebred), let XHXh represent the heterozygous (hybrid) condition for the female, let XHY0  represent a normal male , and XhY0 represent a hemophiliac male. The zero is because the Y chromosome has no gene for the condition.  A Punnett square looks like a tic-tac-doe figure. Let the male possibilities go on the top or left side and the female on the opposite one not used for the male,  Then fill in the four inside squares like you would read a road map mileage chart You may have to do several Punnet squares before you have a hemophiliac female. OK, I’ll give you the genotype you should end up with (XhXh.).Anyway, I would ask if a man can be a carrier.  The usual answer is no, which is correct.  Again the reader is challenged to figure out why not.  At that time I would say, “You mean you’ve never heard of a mail carrier”.

5. When studying varieties of corn: “Did you hear about the PGA convention in Chicago last week?  (PGA stands for Popcorn Growers of America, not Professional Golf Association). The man they elected president was called the “kernel” He pounded his gavel and declared “ladies and gentlemen, lend me your ears” Yes, that was a corny joke wasn’t it. And pretty a-maize-ing.

6. In general science class while holding a piece of mossy zinc near a beaker of water I would ask “Is zinc very heavy”?

Pause

As I drop it into the beaker, “Well, if I drop it into this beaker of water , it will zinc to the bottom”.

7. For  any occasion:  My first dog loved to be brushed.  He would either fall asleep or lick my wristwatch.  I guess that proves he was a good “watchdog”. But the real moral of the story is that “my watch takes a good licking and keeps on ticking”.

8. After a student answered several questions in a row. “I’d give you a hand but you already have two of them”.

9. When studying plant structure:  “Today we’re going to get down to the root of things”.

10. When studying the circulatory system: “Today we’re going to get right to the heart of things”.

11. Even some Biblical questions:  Where in the Bible does it talk about baseball?

12. Where is the Bible does it talk about tennis?*

13 .An acid/base titration is a cute little demonstration of color changes in liquids that also leads to a groaner.  The indicator phenolphthalein is colorless in an acid but turns pink to purple in a base depending on the pH.  I would add a few drops of phenolphthalein to an acid (i.e. hydrochloric (HCl), sulfuric (H2SO4), etc.) and then add a base (i.e. sodium hydroxide, (NaOH0 and when the pH rose above 7 the solution would amazingly turn color which always impressed the students.  Then I would say “You didn’t know I was a magician.  One day I was walking down the street (sidewalk) and I turned into a drugstore! 

14. One of my nieces gave me a coffee mug (my wife and I collect mugs).  Printed on the mug is the following: “Atoms don’t tell the truth, they make up everything”.

15.  Three beakers sitting on the demonstration table, two of them filled with water and third one empty I would ask “ What king does the empty beaker represent?”

2. Answer:  A coat of arms

3. Answer:  A fur coat with pocket.

11. In Genesis 1 it says In the big-inning

12. In Exodus it says And Moses served in Pharaoh’s Court

15. Fill-up (Phillip) the third

Published by Larry Baumer

I graduated from Northern Illinois University in 1966 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Education and earned a Master of Science degree in Education also from NIU in 1973. I taught in the Harlem School District (5 years), a Chicago suburb (1 year), and the Rockford, IL School District for 27 years (26 at East High School). I culminated my teaching career at Kishwaukee College (8 years) Two important events occurred in 1988: I married my wife Angie and I received a summer teacher's research fellowship through the University of Illinois School of Medicine at Rockford. My primary responsibility was light microscopy and Scanning electron miscroscopy of rabbit renal arteries (effect of high cholesterol diet). For 14 years I was a citizen scientist for the Illinois Department of Natural Resources in their RiverWatch program (monitoring water quality) My hobbies and activities include gardening, golfing, bowling, downhill and cross country skiing, photography, including photomicroscopy and time lapse photography, spending time with my wife and our dog, and in the winter playing around in my small home biology & chemistry lab. Beyond what I have written in past profiles, in the early 1980’s I was an EMT with the Boone Volunteer Ambulance & Rescue Squad (BVARS) which fit in nicely with my science training and teaching. I also enjoy public speaking and made frequent scholarship presentations to graduating seniors and outstanding middle school students through the former Belvidere Y’ Men’s Club. I also made power point presentations of the RiverWatch program. But I most enjoyed making presentations at my high school reunions. Thanks guys for allowing me to do this. I have submitted four poems and one short story (bittersweet) to the editors of Chicken Soup for the Soul of a previous beloved dog but I am still waiting….